Parental leave in the US

It is no secret that I can argue for the fact that in the United States, maternal leave after having a baby is insufficient. I had planned on going back to work after having my first born. I took 12 unpaid weeks, during which I not only bonded with my son, I fed on demand, I gave him skin to skin, I played with him...watched him. Enjoyed him. I look back and see the mistakes I made, but I was present, and I loved him, and I know he felt it.

12 short weeks later I tried to go back to work. Part time. He was even in the same building as me. Going back didn't seem like a choice. We were a two income family. I had never not had my own money before. Not going back seemed....irresponsible. How could we pay for a family on one income? We couldn't. My baby needed me, but going back to work seemed like the only option.

Then it didn't work. It wasn't that I was sad, or that he cried all day (which was true). It was that he wouldn't take my bottles. Turns out, I had high lipase milk, meaning it went sour quickly after pumping it. All of my expressed milk was worthless. It was between my job and breastfeeding. After many tears, discussions, and the support of my wonderful mother who insisted she would help us if I decided to stay home - I left. It was the best thing I've ever done. Being at home with my baby was the most important work I've ever done, that I will ever do. I was and am lucky that I have the support of my Mom, my husband, and the confidence to make my own choices. Many women don't have that. They go back to work because they have to. To support their sweet babies. We made it work. We gave up a lot. I made a little money babysitting. We moved into a little house with a low rent and 1 bathroom.

We are now a family of 6 in this little 1 bathroom, 3 bedroom house. I don't buy as much organic food as I'd like. We don't vacation. I don't have new or nice clothes. John has a better job, and we are trying to save money to buy a house someday. Its not going very well. Expenses always dip into our savings. Its all worth it for these babies, though. We'll have a house some day. Someday I'll go to the bathroom just once in peace.

There is no doubt though. Maternal parental leave is bullshit.

But that isn't even what this is about. This is about Paternal parental leave. It is so much worse - because often times, it hardly exists.

When I had my son, John got 1 week. I was fine after that week. He was my only baby and I had 100% of my time to give to him. Sure, I lost brain cells from taking care of a high-maintenance newborn. but I've always done things confidently by myself.

When I had my first daughter, he got two weeks. After that, I was still OK. I had a toddler who wasn't even two. He got into things he wasn't supposed to, watched too much TV, and ate too many cookies, but we survived.

After having my third and final baby, he got 4 weeks. 4 weeks! That's SO great! Many fathers don't get anything and he got 4 weeks. How wonderful, right? Except its not. Its not nearly enough.

After he went back after this last time, I was still OK. I'd be OK with 10 kids. I can handle myself. I can get by. The kids will survive. It was a great 4 weeks and I'm glad he was here to help. But I don't need help. That's not it.

What is it then? Its his presence. Its what is important about me staying home with my babies. During those extra two weeks he got to spend with our newborn, I noticed many things. At the end of that month, she would go to him and be comforted. That didn't happen with the other two. He could hold her while she slept and she was OK with that. My other children would have screamed for me. My other children didn't go to John for comfort until they were older. So that's great, right? It isn't enough.

He got to spend time with my older two children as well. Take them for walks while I nursed and held the baby. He made them lunch, gave them baths. I also got to spend time with them that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. John held the baby - which is an important job, by the way. Babies need to be held. They need to feel warmth, feel a heartbeat. Feel close and safe. So while he did that, I would work on my son's activity books with him. I would play "friends" with my daughter, or read them a book. I didn't feel like I was neglecting them.

So, was I OK after he went back to work? Sure. We were OK. Except, we weren't great. I hadn't healed yet from birth. The baby still needed to be held. The kids still needed lunch, to do activity books, to walk in the woods. And we did. I did all those things. And I was OK. However, I can't help but think about what we are missing. My newborn is missing her Dad - she still needs to bond with him and learn his smell and body rhythms. I need somebody to comfort her when I want to stretch my legs, cook dinner, do the laundry, or take a shower. My older two children are closer to their dad after just 4 weeks with him home. How wonderful could it be if he were home 3 months? 6 months? Maybe I wouldn't be getting headaches every day from trying to please everybody, eating too much sugar, and being on my feet while my body is still yet trying to heal. Maybe my husband would learn that my son likes to serve himself his yogurt, or that my daughter has a special toilet paper ritual every time she goes to the bathroom. He could learn these things, and they would get closer. He could help his 13 year old son with his homework more often. Play a game of basketball with him - talk about girls. Can I do those things? Sure. Can John do it when he gets home from work? Yes. But usually, there isn't time for all those things in the 3 hours he has before all the kids go to bed.

I am also very lucky that I don't have any post partum depression. However, I think I'm on the far end of a very large spectrum. I think many women do suffer from some, of not many, hormonal shifts that can effect their well being and health (of them and their baby). I feel the hormonal shifts in other ways. With my body's sudden tendency to sweat puddles for no damn reason, it'd be nice to catch a shower more than I have been.

I get that in order to earn money - to have shelter, food, a car, and everything these little people need - he needs to work. That I get to stay home because he works so hard - because he worked for 6 weeks straight staying in a hotel to earn overtime that is a necessary part of his annual income. We need health insurance.

However, there are other countries that make it work. Income distribution is better and they are all the better for it. Just because we are OK doesn't mean the system is OK and that we shouldn't try to make it better. Families and babies need their Dads just as much as their Moms if the Dad is going to play a role in the children's life. We need to do better. We don't need to just be OK. We can be great.

Maysa Jean's Birth Story

My pregnancy with little Maysa was less than glorious. While I have appreciated and enjoyed carrying each of my babies and found it amazing that my body could grow a tiny little human being, I was more than ready to be done being pregnant by the time Maysa was born. I was met with a lot of nausea at the end of my first trimester and it continued throughout the second trimester. I also had sciatic pain, nerve pain, round ligament pain, and restless leg syndrome right from the beginning. I had pregnancy induced eczema. I had a low grade fever for the first 30 weeks that made me chilled and tired. Toward the middle of my second trimester I started to have severe stomach pains that continued into the third trimester, and ran into more nausea during the last several weeks of my pregnancy. I had pain that shot through my abdomen and down my legs at unexpected times. I started to get uncontrollable chills, especially at night. I would also get light-headed at random times due to her pressing on a nerve in my back. I still gained 25 lbs, but that's a good 10 lbs less than I gained with Gavyn and Alli. I had a fair share of these issues with them too, but they were amplified and added to in this pregnancy. Oh and my prodromal labor during the last 6 weeks of pregnancy gave me anxiety about first going into labor early, then not making it to the hospital, then thinking my body just couldn't get into complete labor. However, all the while my strong little girl was kicking and turning and playing away, and she always reassured me that everything was going to be OK. I sat every day and focused on enjoying her while she was a part of me. My body went through a lot the past 9 months, but nothing compares to knowing you are growing life inside of you.

My contractions started at about 4:00 pm on March 19, 2016. I had laid down with Alli for an afternoon nap and woke up to fairly strong contractions. Which was nothing new. This had happened countless times before. Just another bout of prodromal labor, I thought. Time to get up and move around, and they'll go away.

Then they didn't. They were irregular but getting stronger, and I debated calling everyone that was waiting for the call. About 7:00 I knew it was the real deal. We called our good friend over to stay with the kids, called my Mom to come down, and texted the birth photographer to give her a heads up. We got the kids to bed just before our friend got to our house at about 8:30, and we were out the door. By the time we got to the hospital my contractions were about 4 minutes apart and I was 4 cm. They hooked me up to the monitors. I went back and forth on telling them I didn't want them to, but they promised I could walk around so I agreed. John was putting pressure on my back to ease my pain during each contraction. I've had back labor with all of my children. I have a nice bruise from him drilling into my back, but I don't think I could get through labor without him doing it. About 40 minutes later, I was already at 8. My birth photographer got there about the same time we did, which was perfect. All my worries about getting to the hospital were gone. It was time to focus on me and my daughter. We moved to the delivery room (they had us in a "check-in" room at first), and I decided to have my midwife break my water at about 10:35 pm. I knew this would make things go quickly, as it has before. I got up on the bed, shed my gown, and assumed my most comfortable birthing position - on my knees holding the back of the bed. I had about 4 extremely strong contractions - transition had hit! My mind has already begun work on shutting out that pain. I imagine my daughters going through that as mothers and I cringe at the thought. I can't protect them from that pain. They'll have to own it themselves. I knew I was close.

A big contraction hit, but instead of finishing out as usual, my body pushed. It wasn't a decision on my part. My body pushed, and it pushed HARD. I felt Maysa moving down and out, so fast and forceful I could only hope somebody was there to catch her. I couldn't speak. Later I was told I really took everyone by surprise and I probably should have warned them I was pushing. But I couldn't. My voice was lost in transition and lost in birthing my daughter. After that one, strong push, I felt her leave my body and heard a sharp, quick cry. I felt hands help me move onto my back so she could come onto my belly. There she was. Perfect, tiny, wet and warm. She was loud and healthy. I told her how glad I was she was here. That I had her, I would keep her safe and warm. I was in so much pain, but so elated at the same time. I heard my birth photographer snapping photos and was so glad she was capturing these first moments with my last child.

Maysa's cord was tiny and thin, just like her. It stopped pulsing and John cut it. I was able to lift her onto my chest and put a warm blanket over her. I delivered the placenta, which was quite a relief. I stopped for a moment to admire her placenta - her life source for the last 9 months. She rested, and I held her close. About 10 minutes after birth, she lifted her head, and dove towards my breast. She knew what she wanted and right where to get it! She latched on immediately and perfectly. She nursed for maybe 15 minutes, unlatched, and started to take in the world around her. She looked at me; seeing my face was relaxing to her, and seeing her eyes was magical for me. After such a hard pregnancy, holding her tiny little body was the reward that made all the pain in the world worth it.

She stayed with me for about an hour and a half. It was time to move to the post-partum room the next floor up, so I let John take her to get weighed and checked over. She was 6 lbs, 3 oz. My littlest baby. I managed to get cleaned up, dressed, and comfortable in the wheel chair while Daddy took care of Maysa.

We made it up to the post partum room and Maysa nursed again. Then she went into a deep sleep. She was so tired. She slept for almost 6 hours before wanting to eat again. She had some amniotic fluid in her stomach she had to get up before having an appetite, but after that she ate regularly with vigor! She had to have her blood sugar tested before each feeding because she was "small for gestational age" but passed every test with flying colors. It was hard to let them prick her foot every time and after a few passed tests I "forgot" to tell them I was about to feed her. I had very strong contractions for about 3 days after having her (I call them aftershock contractions). I know they have a purpose but they get worse with each baby and while some ibuprofen helped a little, it didn't help much. Oh well. All of her hospital checkups came back perfect. We went home on Monday, March 21st. We were eager for Maysa to meet her big siblings because they weren't able to visit the hospital due to a recent H1N1 outbreak. Luckily they were having a good time at home with Nana!

Watch the Video Collage!

She has continued mostly eating, sleeping, and pooping for the past week and a half. I know she is going to grow fast, so I am spending lots of time sitting, staring, singing, and admiring her every feature. Her birth was textbook perfect. However, it will always be special and unique to me. Gavyn and Alli are so in love with her and have been very gentle and caring with her. John has been very helpful while he is on paternity leave. Life just keeps getting better for our family!