Parental leave in the US

It is no secret that I can argue for the fact that in the United States, maternal leave after having a baby is insufficient. I had planned on going back to work after having my first born. I took 12 unpaid weeks, during which I not only bonded with my son, I fed on demand, I gave him skin to skin, I played with him...watched him. Enjoyed him. I look back and see the mistakes I made, but I was present, and I loved him, and I know he felt it.

12 short weeks later I tried to go back to work. Part time. He was even in the same building as me. Going back didn't seem like a choice. We were a two income family. I had never not had my own money before. Not going back seemed....irresponsible. How could we pay for a family on one income? We couldn't. My baby needed me, but going back to work seemed like the only option.

Then it didn't work. It wasn't that I was sad, or that he cried all day (which was true). It was that he wouldn't take my bottles. Turns out, I had high lipase milk, meaning it went sour quickly after pumping it. All of my expressed milk was worthless. It was between my job and breastfeeding. After many tears, discussions, and the support of my wonderful mother who insisted she would help us if I decided to stay home - I left. It was the best thing I've ever done. Being at home with my baby was the most important work I've ever done, that I will ever do. I was and am lucky that I have the support of my Mom, my husband, and the confidence to make my own choices. Many women don't have that. They go back to work because they have to. To support their sweet babies. We made it work. We gave up a lot. I made a little money babysitting. We moved into a little house with a low rent and 1 bathroom.

We are now a family of 6 in this little 1 bathroom, 3 bedroom house. I don't buy as much organic food as I'd like. We don't vacation. I don't have new or nice clothes. John has a better job, and we are trying to save money to buy a house someday. Its not going very well. Expenses always dip into our savings. Its all worth it for these babies, though. We'll have a house some day. Someday I'll go to the bathroom just once in peace.

There is no doubt though. Maternal parental leave is bullshit.

But that isn't even what this is about. This is about Paternal parental leave. It is so much worse - because often times, it hardly exists.

When I had my son, John got 1 week. I was fine after that week. He was my only baby and I had 100% of my time to give to him. Sure, I lost brain cells from taking care of a high-maintenance newborn. but I've always done things confidently by myself.

When I had my first daughter, he got two weeks. After that, I was still OK. I had a toddler who wasn't even two. He got into things he wasn't supposed to, watched too much TV, and ate too many cookies, but we survived.

After having my third and final baby, he got 4 weeks. 4 weeks! That's SO great! Many fathers don't get anything and he got 4 weeks. How wonderful, right? Except its not. Its not nearly enough.

After he went back after this last time, I was still OK. I'd be OK with 10 kids. I can handle myself. I can get by. The kids will survive. It was a great 4 weeks and I'm glad he was here to help. But I don't need help. That's not it.

What is it then? Its his presence. Its what is important about me staying home with my babies. During those extra two weeks he got to spend with our newborn, I noticed many things. At the end of that month, she would go to him and be comforted. That didn't happen with the other two. He could hold her while she slept and she was OK with that. My other children would have screamed for me. My other children didn't go to John for comfort until they were older. So that's great, right? It isn't enough.

He got to spend time with my older two children as well. Take them for walks while I nursed and held the baby. He made them lunch, gave them baths. I also got to spend time with them that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. John held the baby - which is an important job, by the way. Babies need to be held. They need to feel warmth, feel a heartbeat. Feel close and safe. So while he did that, I would work on my son's activity books with him. I would play "friends" with my daughter, or read them a book. I didn't feel like I was neglecting them.

So, was I OK after he went back to work? Sure. We were OK. Except, we weren't great. I hadn't healed yet from birth. The baby still needed to be held. The kids still needed lunch, to do activity books, to walk in the woods. And we did. I did all those things. And I was OK. However, I can't help but think about what we are missing. My newborn is missing her Dad - she still needs to bond with him and learn his smell and body rhythms. I need somebody to comfort her when I want to stretch my legs, cook dinner, do the laundry, or take a shower. My older two children are closer to their dad after just 4 weeks with him home. How wonderful could it be if he were home 3 months? 6 months? Maybe I wouldn't be getting headaches every day from trying to please everybody, eating too much sugar, and being on my feet while my body is still yet trying to heal. Maybe my husband would learn that my son likes to serve himself his yogurt, or that my daughter has a special toilet paper ritual every time she goes to the bathroom. He could learn these things, and they would get closer. He could help his 13 year old son with his homework more often. Play a game of basketball with him - talk about girls. Can I do those things? Sure. Can John do it when he gets home from work? Yes. But usually, there isn't time for all those things in the 3 hours he has before all the kids go to bed.

I am also very lucky that I don't have any post partum depression. However, I think I'm on the far end of a very large spectrum. I think many women do suffer from some, of not many, hormonal shifts that can effect their well being and health (of them and their baby). I feel the hormonal shifts in other ways. With my body's sudden tendency to sweat puddles for no damn reason, it'd be nice to catch a shower more than I have been.

I get that in order to earn money - to have shelter, food, a car, and everything these little people need - he needs to work. That I get to stay home because he works so hard - because he worked for 6 weeks straight staying in a hotel to earn overtime that is a necessary part of his annual income. We need health insurance.

However, there are other countries that make it work. Income distribution is better and they are all the better for it. Just because we are OK doesn't mean the system is OK and that we shouldn't try to make it better. Families and babies need their Dads just as much as their Moms if the Dad is going to play a role in the children's life. We need to do better. We don't need to just be OK. We can be great.